All I can say is that I believe not every gay person is gay for life. I had been so committed, I even bought a flat with one of my partners. I didn't tell him the truth at first but when I finally admitted that I had fallen for another woman, he was relieved. This may sound totally coldhearted, but I made a calculated decision to try men again. After all, given the choice I would choose a woman over a man for a really great chat, an inspiring conversation or to share emotional problems with. The women I went out with were by and large more inclined to be insecure and to need reassurance and I found myself in the male role of endlessly reassuring my girlfriends.
My first sexual experience was with a lesbian woman called Gwen. For 12 years, between the ages of 22 and 34, I was in several long-term lesbian relationships. I fell in love at 17 with Tim, a hugely attractive pupil at the local grammar school. The ironic part is that I have never, ever, been unfaithful in a relationship. Leonard Matlovitch who helped shape the social and political climate below the Mason Dixon line and often in the rest of the country. This may sound absurd, but calling myself a lesbian was almost like calling myself a punk or a goth. And the criticism still continues. One girlfriend was so insecure that every single time we enjoyed a night out - usually at a bar - we would have a row and have to leave. It was a breath of fresh air. I could never in a million years have imagined, in the full throes of my lesbian life, that I would one day live such a conventional straight lifestyle. I repeat, I know many people are totally convinced that they are born gay and have absolutely no choice over their sexual orientation. They see it as a mark of indecision or even self-delusion. It felt natural and not at all scary. We carried on dating even when we went to separate universities - he to Cambridge and I to Kent. She would convince herself that I was flirting with another woman and, however much I tried not to catch anyone's eye, she wouldn't believe me. For I can honestly say that I never felt the need to 'come out' as gay or straight - I simply decided to fall in love with women. Tim was incredibly bright and extremely good looking. I had studied feminist literature at university and it opened my eyes to the possibility of sexuality as a life choice. I felt we were walking alongside each other rather than spending life locked in face-to-face intimacy or combat. It never occurred to me that there was anything else to be. Was I picking the wrong women or was I simply not cut out to be a lesbian? Why couldn't they feel as close to their husbands and boyfriends? I didn't tell him the truth at first but when I finally admitted that I had fallen for another woman, he was relieved. My close friends knew immediately - but I shied away from telling my family for several years. I am convinced that while men are usually entirely driven by sex when it comes to choosing a mate, women are often attracted more by the emotional side of the relationship and I was excited by the close bond a relationship with another female could bring.
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